Interruption w/ Unavoidably Obtuse Rant

Ye gods, I have been entirely distraught all evening.  I finished all my casting late last night, slept way too late, and today I wanted to begin the color.  I got the studio partly reconfigured, and then the very world I most need to ignore blew in, in the form of a couple of e-mails, and crashed right down on my head. I’m writing this appeal, and then I hope, in the morning, to get back to the great place I was in…

Bug2

A friend wrote on her blog today of thinking, “How did I get here?” during a recent event. I feel her, because I’ve thought that for a whole lot of the past two years.  I just began to believe it was now finally over, and I could return to who I actually am: this gardening, sort-of quiet, admittedly odd, kind of friendly, hopefully often funny, obsessively working visual artist who would rather be in the studio or out under the sky than anywhere else.  Instead, I seem to have become a symbol, or a repository for the vindication of some collective feelings about a situation I obviously (pretty damned obviously, I should think) had no control over.  I can’t blog about it directly, but I’ve just been accused of complicity in – no, actually, of masterminding – the ‘subversion’ of an ongoing event that I wasn’t even aware of until a few days ago. I do NOT need this.

Bug2A

Right now, some well-meaning people are trying, I think, to make a statement by campaigning on my behalf during this rather silly event.  Yesterday, when I thought this was nothing more than a weird little sideshow in my life, yes, I even posted a totally goofy Facebook message urging support for me. (This is something anyone and everyone else on the planet is encouraged to do in the context of this event, so I saw no harm in it).  But: I have just gotten a scathing message from someone I have never met, accusing me, in no uncertain terms, of maneuvering the entire event towards what are perceived as my own devious personal ends, described as my desire to ‘stick it to’ people.

cannot take this kind of shite anymore, folks.

How did I get here?

Granted, I am outspoken, and granted, I will fight, do fight, and most assuredly have fought (way too long) for what I believe in. And yes, granted, I am relieved that at least I seem to be symbolizing something good.  Even more than granted, I am very, very glad to know that I am liked so well, and I thank everyone (however much of a paradox thanks may seem to be in this context) for your well-intended support.  But, dear people, please: I would really, really, really rather not become the Poster Child For What Was. Truly. I’m so tired of exactly this kind of misinterpreted crap.

I lost something I once cared deeply about, but I did not lose myself, nor my art. I need to move on, and up, and away.  This silliness, though I am certain it sprang from the best, absolutely positive intentions, has just sucked me straight back into an atmosphere that was entirely toxic to me, right at the time when I am finally able to breathe some lovely clean fresh air again.

Bug3A

If you really want to support ME, the person, the artist (and of course I hope you do), then, hey: come out to my shows, or if you’re curating one, think of me, or if you’ve got money, buy some work, or if you teach, invite me to your class, or drop me a line when you’ve got a show or a performance going on, or invite me to your next party, or if you’ve read a book or see a great show or a residency or a grant you think I’d like, let me know, or let’s get together for lunch or coffee or wine or to look at art… or you can always (always!) bring me sushi or ginger or dark chocolate or a dram of good whiskey (might as well push it while I’m at it) – or even just shoot me an e-mail or FB message or Blahg comment now and again…but please: just let the part of all this that involved me go. I’m trying very hard to do just that, and I need your help.

Thank you. End of rant. Everything ends eventually, good things and bad.

Bug3

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11 thoughts on “Interruption w/ Unavoidably Obtuse Rant

  1. Well said! I don’t know what it is all about, but I do know this – YOU ROCK! And I loooove your art and it inspires me as well as your attitude and perseverance do!

    All summer long I’ve been seeing your updates on fb about the various projects you are working on and I find it SO MOTIVATING!!!

    SO, thank you, for sharing your insight and passion for art and life. I’ve learned so much from you already, and I look forward to learning more as the years go on.

    Nothing but love from this little blog message!!! 🙂 KEEP ON ROCKING IN THE FREE WORLD!!!

  2. Melissa,
    This all seems so strange…. Your FB entry was so innocuous that I can’t imagine what all the hubbub is about. Hope you were able to put this more behind you in the morning and get back into your art. Conflict and discord have a way of eroding the creativity we nurture so closely. On another note, looking at your photos on this post and others I see yet another reason that I like you so well. How can I not like someone who shares my zeal for bugs and nature…and is deaf ta boot! And, we’re both artists. Geesh!

    Keep on keepin’ on, my dear. If I had that dram of whiskey (after all, I’m here in bourbon land) I’d share it with you.

    Salud,
    Stefanie

  3. Thanks, you two. It’s about me having had more than enough, and not knowing specifically who needs to get this message. Good intentions, nasty result.

    Re: the bugs – I’ve been using the macro to shoot the incredible variety that gathers on the big double glass studio doors while I work at night, more to get a look them than for any other reason…but they seemed quite appropriate for this post. They’re all tiny, tiny things, except for the top two, which are parts of the same two-inch reddish creature who wouldn’t fit in the lens.

  4. oy. i graduated from high school in 1977. sad fact that some live there in perpetuity. they should just leave the grownups alone, yeah?

    gotta go wash the other dog now that Ive recovered from the first ordeal. shake it off and go have fun coloring and don’t let the kids spoil any more of your fun!

  5. Thanks. I’m slowly getting there (back to color).

    Though I have no idea how this began or who began it, judging from the pool of people I imagine might have nominated me (which could be completely off-base; I’ve been surprised before), it was probably seen as something that was simply quite funny and lightweight; that’s how I initially took it.

    To the studio!

  6. There are DFIs everywhere, and I know how difficult it can be to ignore them sometimes.

    FWIW, had fab sushi at our new neighbourhood resto today and there’s two pounds of high-end semi-sweet choco in the ‘fridge: if you don’t mind sleeping on the couch, you’re welcome to come, crash, and hit both my shows (damn, I like the sound of that!) in September….

  7. Oy. That’s just nuts. And I think I know what you’re referring to, but to be honest, I haven’t been paying much attention in that regard. For my own selfish (and self-preservation) reasons, I am trying to keep my head down and my nose clean and just work-work-work my way through until the spring. It’s been a productive, if slow-going, summer so far. I am trying to keep my positive outlook.

    As for other topics of interest… have you read People of the Book, by Geraldine Brooks? I just picked it up and am only a few pages in, but it seems pretty interesting already (and somewhat “in the field”).

    Also, I’m heading out to Colorado in a few days, and will hopefully get some environmental work done (on private land) while I’m there. I’ll be sure to post plenty of documentation.

    Wishing you good work in the studio.
    (And, PS… love the insects).

  8. I forgot to say that Velma and I were talking about you and the lunas when I saw HER luna book. I HAVE TO get back there again w/a camera so you can properly partake from a distance.

    Once I get to CT on Mon, I will see what my options are for transport b/c I really want to visit on the 9th!

  9. Again, thanks all.

    Smith, I’ve explained it as best as I can in today’s blog; I can’t be more specific publicly, and still don’t completely know what happened myself!

    Aimee, I would looove to see Velma’s book – and you! I hope you can make it (you might like to apply here, too)

    Bella, Yes, I read that book right before I left for WSW. I liked it, but I was talking to a conservator friend who pointed out that it could be to book conservation what Indiana Jones is to archaeology. Nonetheless, it’s a good story. I’m really looking forward to seeing what you do in Colorado, too.

  10. Oh, yeah, and thanks Linda. I’m at Ragdale through mid-September, and then I think Paul might like to have me around again for a bit, but I am wishing you THE best for those TWO shows, and hoping to see photos…

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